Where Else Would We Go

There is a verse I turn over and over in my heart, like a smooth stone, memorizing every centimeter. It’s, John 6:68. A reoccurring theme you might find with me is that I love the disciple Simon Peter, as is evident by his back to back mentions in this Journal, and the previous. I relate a lot to him, and he reminds me a great deal of several people I love most in this life. It’s easy for me to place myself in his shoes in the stories we find him in. Especially this one.

We find Jesus towards the end of John 6 teaching His followers that He is the Bread of Life. It is one of the most notable teachings of Jesus, but for many of His listeners and followers at the time that found this teaching hard, asking in verse 60 “who can accept it?” Many of Jesus’ followers walked away from Him that day.

After this Jesus asked the Twelve in verse 67, “you don’t want to go away too, do you?” To which Peter responds in what may be among my favorite verses in the Bible, found in John 6:68-69, Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”

I once heard this verse paraphrased as, “Jesus, where else would we go?” For the rest of this journal I will be using this paraphrase.

Where else would we go?

When I imagine Peter saying these words to Jesus I hear a holy exhaustion in his voice. I picture him shaking his head and shrugging his shoulders as those honest words roll of his lips. I imagine it all almost feels like an exhale. I hear the words spoken as someone who knew full well the weight and the cost of following Jesus. Someone who knew how crushing it can be. Someone who knew the pain you meet, sometimes, along the way of following Jesus in an upside down world. Someone who was familiar with the ache of dying to yourself, of taking up your cross. But someone who more than anything that He was worth it all, and then some.

Where else would we go?

I think about those five words often. Weekly, if not daily.

I am a 26 year old woman who has been working in full time, vocational ministry for four years, with four years of pursuing education and training in ministry in college before that, and eighteen years of being quite literally raised in the church before that. I have never known a life without ministry, or church, or Kingdom service.

The majority of my life has been dedicated to following Jesus. And before I go any further, please hear me, I do not say this to say I am anything special or great. I do not deserve an award or any recognition for this. The majority of my life has been dedicated to following Jesus because of how deeply broken I know I am. Because apart from Him I have no good thing (Psalm 16:2). Because He is the only thing I know to be true. Because He alone has the words of eternal life. Because I have come to believe and know that Jesus is the Holy One of God.

Still, I have thought about walking away. Many times. Not because God is not good. Not because Jesus is not King. Not because Holy Spirit is not with me. But because sometimes the pain of life is greater than I know how to bear, and my flesh is weak.

I will find myself thinking, “surely a good God would not allow this.” Or simply, “this is all too hard.” And I think of walking away. I dream up ways of how it all could be easier, and where none of it involves laying down the desires of my flesh or my own will. And I will seriously consider it, because a life of sin will always look more desirable on the surface.

But it is only desirable on the surface. Under that surface you will only find greater pain, loss, confusion, temporary fixes, and utter hopelessness every time. Trust me, I’ve looked many times.

Every time I have found that Jesus is in fact the only way. He is the only hope in a lost and dying world. The only one capable of bringing beauty out of ashes.  The only one able to redeem that which is utterly broken. The only one able to bring purpose from pain. The only one who could make me whole. The only one with the words of eternal life. The only Holy One.

When I come to my senses, I picture it this way:

I sit down at His feet. Anxious, broken, wounded, and downcast. Ashamed that I ever thought of leaving the only place I have ever found wholeness. He crouches down, reaches out His arm, cups my face in His hand, and says, “do you want to go too?” Because His love does not force me to stay, it invites me to choose. And with tears spilling from my eyes, I reach up, grasp onto His hands that are holding me, with all that I have, and say with a shaking voice, “Jesus, where else would I go? You have the words of eternal life. You are the Holy One of God.” Collapsing into Him as I weep, I say again, “where else would I go?” He holds me there. He is Jehovah Shalom for me (the Lord is my peace). He heals my brokenness, and binds up my wounds. He trades my sackcloths of mourning for garments of praise. He restores my soul.

I think Peter would understand the way I have felt, because I think he felt it, sometimes, too.

The cost of following Jesus is certainly great, and the pain of this world is much. But I have never found a greater hope than Jesus. I have never found anything greater than Him.

And so on the good days in bad, in little and plenty, in hope and in heartache I will say, “Jesus, where else would I go?”

Knowing full well that He is the prize, and my Promised Land, and worth every bit of the journey.

Truly I have a beautiful inheritance (Psalm 16:6). And so do you.

Peace to you, friend.